Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
