You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
