I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
