one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
