Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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