Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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