I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You ruined the universe
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
