i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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