got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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