Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
jump out the window naked night went bad
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