Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
