Come see our sink grown plant.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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