god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize