I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
