I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
