I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
