Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
