My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
