I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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