I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
