Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
