Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize