I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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