he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
