Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
