the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
