I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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