Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
