the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
