oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
