My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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