If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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