Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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