I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
