Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
