low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
