Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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