Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
