Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize