I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize