She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
