Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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