dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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