Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
