my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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