I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
