you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
