If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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