3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
