So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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