I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize