After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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