I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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