Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
