dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
