Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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