I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
