he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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