hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
