My sheets look like a crime scene.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
