seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
