I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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