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When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All the doctor said was why
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
