mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
