i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
