Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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